For those of us who spend summer looking forward to leather leggings and thigh-high boots, it’s the most wonderful time of the year. Faux fur vests are back in season, sweaters and flannels are hung back up in the closet, and booties are finally not totally out of place anymore. But, with the darker lipsticks and comeback of scarves brings the worst thing imaginable about the cooler weather:
The season of the devil is truly upon us. The very worst. I cannot even begin to explain how many times a day – not week! day! – I cringe when people’s ~super cute~ couple pics and relationship statuses pop up on my timeline and Instagram feed. Like, ok, I get it’s cold outside but a boyfriend isn’t a coat, ladies, you don’t need one to stay warm or build a fire for you. RELAX.
Now, I may come across as bitter, but I’m not. For background, I’ve had a boyfriend, through many winters and falls and even springs and summers and do you know what? Not that great. Nothing special.
And for more clarification, I have no soul and I’m dead inside. I have no feelings. I saw a guy the other day and he was hot and I barely even blinked. I mean, ok, I blinked a couple of times but like, I wasn’t into it, ya know? Sometimes when I meet my friends’ guy friends, I ask them to let me know if my nose ring ever flips out of my nose, just so we can establish the fact that we’re friends from the get-go and not have any awkwardness. I’m soOoOoOo over feelings, if I had to choose between being forced to like someone and jumping into a volcano, I would very peacefully fall into a pit of lava. Not that I’m dramatic or anything, I just really don’t care.
(I am dramatic.)
(But the point still stands.)
Anyway, the point is not that I hate couples, it’s that I hate cuffing season. Boyfriends aren’t that great. Neither are girlfriends, to be honest. Sure, you have someone to sleep with and baby you when you’re sick and do things with if you’re like me and can’t do anything alone, but why just go out and find the first person who likes you and call it a day? Ok? Every once in a while a relationship born in cuffing season manages to survive the harsh trials of summer (single season), but for the most part, they all burn out before they can get started.
Listen. I’m going to drop some knowledge on you young people. You’re in your 20’s. Maybe you’re like me and in college. Good. Cool. Don’t jump into a relationship because you think you’re never going to find anyone outside of college or just anyone, in general. Being in a relationship is all well and good but do you know what I can do now that I’m single?
I can go out whenever I want. I can do six DP shoot-outs in one sitting and I don’t have to worry about embarrassing anyone other than myself. I can sleep starfished across my bed. I can spend Sundays eating pizza and learning Justin Bieber dance videos with my friends while we chug our individual bottles of wine. I can dance with my friends at parties all night and talk to any guy I want to without worrying someone is going to storm up to me accusing me of flirting. And I don’t have to be responsible for anyone but myself!!!! It’s incredible! I can chug a bottle of vodka for as long as I want and no one will tell me I’m annoying when I’m drunk and I have to act like I care! I know I’m annoying when I’m drunk! I’m annoying all the time! And I’m not sorry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BYE.
The moral of my story is that cuffing season sucks and it’s stupid. I’m not going to pretend like I’ll spend more time studying by not being in a relationship or that I’m not the 1% of college girls who really could not care less about having a boyfriend, but listen, people, being single really is just as fun as everyone said. I was scared to be single – I thought I’d crash and burn. I did a little. But I’m back and I feel better than ever. Not because I’m surrounded by gross, honeymoon-stage couples who awkwardly make out next to you while you’re trying to take some shots, but because I’m beyond ok with not getting cuffed. And if my weird ass can do it, so can yours. Don’t let these people and their couple pics on hay bales and holiday presents get you down about not getting cuffed either. Actually, let that fuel your single fire. Be strong!!!! Run for the hills!!!! Protect yourself!!!! Drink lots of vodka!!!! Have fun!!!!!
For me, every time I see someone add their relationship status or something, I have war flashbacks to the Taylor Swift Blank Space video. Like, that’s all I picture relationships as now. Screaming, crying, dropping-phones-in-fountains, stabbing-cakes-in-lingerie craziness. No thanks!
Don’t worry about having a boyfriend or a girlfriend, or a husband or a wife. Worry about having friends who dance with you until 4 a.m. and love you enough to tell you your boyfriend sucks. Falling in love might be fun (my personal belief is love isn’t real, but…..) but you have to fall in love with your life and yourself first. Don’t go looking for someone; let someone find you. And never stop having vodka-fueled dance parties, cuffed or not.